A day out with Toddlers is sometimes more exhausting than staying in.
So, you wake up in the morning feeling optimistic that even though it’s bucketing it down outside, Britain has an array of soft play areas to save the day.
You’ve been up since the birds were tweeting, you’ve been feeding, changing countless panties as toilet training is ongoing! Washing up, ironing uniform for the older ones and baby wiping sticky fingers for what feels like hours after constantly offering verious breakfasts to your toddler despretly trying to meet the 5 a day guidelines. It’s no suprise us mums are tierd it’s only 8.15am and we are mentally stretched already.
Your play group friend Tx’s and is happy to go to the local soft play. Thank god an escapism from these four walls, you reply “see you at 9.15am” and pack up half the house into your baby bag, throw your hair into a ‘mum bun’, see the older children off to school and head out into the pouring rain.
Trying to get your Toddler into the car is the first hurdle, I warn you Toddlers are strong, really strong. If they dont want to sit in that seat you can easily add 15 minutes on to your journey. You’ll work up quite a fluster trying to coax, fasten and clip them in. 3 types off bribery an electronic tablet and rather sweatty armpints and your finally on the road.
Arriving at soft play a shaggy, sweatty, already knackered mum you arrive at reception and set up a tab. I used to have a tab for a night out but now it’s for soft play- what I’d give for a Gin & Lemomade with a slice of lemon and Lime right now I think to myself. Not sure it would be socially, culturally accepted but the idea is nice!
A cappachino and jug of juice later you see your friend, relieved to see another mum that can totally feel your need for support you both grab the nearest table free.
Five minutes in the toddlers are more interested in the areay of sweets including lolly pops on the reception desk. Trying to avoid and distract is pointless- they always win. Your to tierd to reason with them but more angry at the fact lollys, yes lollys a ridiculously choking hazard are advertised in a soft play area. There is huge slides, ball pools and the latest toys and all your toddler wants is a stupid fucking chubba chub lolly! 15 minutes of
“But I want a lolly pop, please, please mummy”
Throwing things, anything in site they dont care toddlers it’s all getting throw! Stamping feet and then there’s the high pitched shriek. I give in I just want a coffee in peace, you’ll glance at your friend wondering if there judging you deep down. I say
“you can have chocolate buttons instead”.
Looking over at the time it’s 9.45am you feel more guilt that your feeding your most precious creation utter Junk at such an early time. But fuck it, us mum’s are all just trying to make it through the day.
Cappuccino arrives, we sit and start to verbally vomit our stresses, worries and dhillemas of how hard it is being sleep deprived, trying to hold a marriage together if you have one and keep up at the gym.
Not even 3 minutes into our chat I hear crying- off course it’s my child. Shit, where are they? Everyone is starring, i can hear him but can’t see him. Yep that’s me took my eyes off my child for 3 minutes scrambling through soft toys and ball pools to get my child down from a slide that he’s scared off.
Cradiling him back to the table, lots of kisses and a splah of mummy milk, again everyone is watching. I feel the glares in my side clearly knowone has ever seen a toddler breastfeed before! He’s ok now and toddles back off to play.
Cappuccino now cold- story of my life cold tea and coffee. We carry on our conversation around juggling work, nursery fees crippling us and how not pissing ourselves in last weeks Zuma Class was our all time high.
The Toddlers return, there hungry! Of course their hungry its 10.15am but we have been up since 5am so we’ve practically done half a day. They request omeltte and beans and a jacket potato. So we add our lunch orders to our Tab and try to continue our chat.
Interrupted not even 2 minutes in our toddlers are upset. There mortified and it’s worrying. It’s over 1 toy!! Why everywhere we go do kids insist on all playing with the same toy? There’s at least 30 toys in this place and yet both of them want the same one!!!!! Both of us mummies try to reason and explain about sharing to calm the fractious little people and stop the shrieks that attract yet more glares.
Some of the glares are sympathetic I see in their eyes from accross the room they feel our parenting pain. We are all just mum’s trying to survive the day.
Once they calm down and agree to share the toy, dinner arrives! Starving ourselves we look foward to eating and not having to clean the mess. Chopping up the toddler portions my boy bursts in to tears. He does not want his omeltte now he wants my friends little boys Jacket potato. Give me strength, why can’t we go anywhere without 5,000 tantrums. I just want to eat my meal hot and in peace is it so much to ask when the role of a mum is a 24/7 thing.
My friend offers to share her son’s portion but sharing isn’t fun according to 3 year olds, we learnt this 10 minutes ago!
Another 5 minutes of dividing, chopping, blowing hot food and reasoning over the Jacket Potato they are both happy.
Rolling our eyes at eachother we devour our now luke warm lunch because raising toddlers makes you ravenous. You never know when you’ll get another chance to eat that day. Inbetween each mouthful that you bearly chew you are constantly saying
“Sit still, please stop wiggling on that chair”
And “can you eat nicely please, don’t throw that, use your fork please”.
Then the cup off juice goes flying, you drop your knife and their toddler meal is a fucking swamp.
Laughing it off to not upset their tiny, fragile emotions you rush to get napkins (you packed half the house and still forgot baby wipes).
I’m walking back from the reception desk thinking ‘ why did i even bother to leave the house this morning?’
Mopping up the mess, you loose your appetite for your now cold lunch as you feel bitter sweet about paying for a half eaten cold lunch, a swamping toddler dinner, a cold cappachino and packet of frigging chocolate buttons.
The toddlers skip off for one last play and you and your friend flop back in your chairs and natter about the mundane cleaning jobs you have planned for the afternoon. You both take some pics of your boys playing and upload them to social media to keep up with the trend of ‘days out being a mum holding it together’.
11.30am it’s time to head home for a toddler nap. The bribery begins again as he dosnt want to go home! Kicking legs, refusing to put shoes on and throwing coats. You resort to the fireman lift towards reception.
The bill is £18 already and his tantrum stops when he sees the Paw Patrol bubbles on the front desk. Another crappy toy we dont need but I know I’ll buy.
£20 for 2 hours off stress and I’m leaving more exhausted than when i entered. But anything is better than staying in all day on my own.
Two ratty toddlers go in their car seats. We hug eachother good bye and say “same time next week, I will tx you hun” and we go our different ways.
Driving home you look in your rear view mirror and your sleeping toddler looks like an Angel So pure, beautiful and peaceful. You sigh and feel warm this morning has been tough, but it’s worth it for him.
Written on the 9th June 2018 by Francesca Shaw
Inspired by 13 years of being a mum to four children and probably 13,000 soft play days out.
The Wise Womb Woman 
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