Regardless of whether the two pink lines were planned or not the fantasy of a dreamy maternity leave is real, so real that we have pretty much planned the entire maternity leave from start to finish and added a big fat rosey tinted cherry on the top!
From the instagram posts of how a ‘stay at home mum’s house should look’ to the idealisation of looking like Victoria Beckham 3 weeks after birth as the media displays we should, we are literally brainwashed a fantasy maternity from the second we announce we are expecting.
Having gone through this four times myself I have had hours upon hours of moments of despair questioning why I don’t feel happy being at home with my baby. Wondering why I can’t get more than three tasks a day done when all I have is ‘a baby to look after’ and how do I tell someone how I really feel about losing my mind to scary intrusive postnatal thoughts. I have always had so much compassion for everyone around me be it another new mum, friend, work colleague and even strangers so why is it so that my brain won’t go easy on me?
Everything I have purchased for my child has happy images on, everything baby related is sweet, cute and innocent but whilst I’m sat up at night feeling alone and anxious as I check to see if my babies breathing or struggle to change a nappy through exhaustion it doesn’t feel nice- It isn’t sweet and it certainly doesn’t look innocent.
Why did no one prepare me in pregnancy for what and how I would feel after birth? Our natural primal instinct or as I will refer to (the old brain) are wired so much more differently to how we are expected to parent and in comparison to the new age (new brain) that has evolved over millions of years.
So many mothers are expected to raise children on their own from the very beginning. Be it the partner returns to work within days or that they have no support, family or friends. We are not designed to raise babies alone hence why the menopause came into play to allow the older generations to support with the children. To eradicate competition for mating and to allow the mother to rest and be cared for too. We have forgotten how to live in tribes and villages and it is massively impacting on the new age mothers and their maternity experiences and mental wellbeing.
Our old brains are inherently triggered when we birth to avoid harm so all of a sudden we find anxieties in the most small day to day activities. Some I remember are…….will I drop the baby walking down the stairs, have a made the bath too hot, have I counted the scoops of formula correctly, am I holding them properly, why are they crying do they not like me? Have I dressed them correctly, do I look like I am coping, have I bought the right nappy cream, I like dogs but I am scared when they come near the pram….why? I will tell you why, our old brains are programmed for fight, flight, freeze and shut down and when we have children it is proven that our brain matter decreases MRI scans today can prove this. Matrescence is the physical, emotional, hormonal and social transition of becoming a mother (Raphael, (1973) and the part of our brain called the amygdala becomes more sensitive to threat when we have babies meaning we are naturally on high alert. Imagine 200 million years ago and been on the African planes late at night and being surround by predators that could attack you and your baby. When your baby begins to cry this will attract attention and therefore when we are laid in bed on a night trying to soothe a distressed infant most mothers will recall being more anxious at night. This is instinctively our old brains kicking into action to protect our infant from harm- clever right! Unfortunately evolution has evolved our new brains and we are now in a generation of reasoning, language and self awareness. Unbeknown to mothers hormones are then thrown in and we have a real brew for metal combustion bubbling into the postnatal pot.
Let’s talk Oxytocin! This hormone is amazing it’s the hormone known as the love drug! Entwined in the most beautiful of human activities such as sexual intercourse, birth, breastfeeding, love and trust. Yet not many will be educated prior to birth that oxytocin can trigger the mothers old attachment memories- linked to her own childhood. This means that the mother may feel emotions that are unhelpful and triggering if she didn’t have the most of positive attachments to her own birth giver. Heartbreakingly she will not realise these are related to herself and not her baby.
Following birth we need to rest and digest, basically eat and sleep like a well walked and fed family pet! Nothing is more wonderful to see than your pooch laid in front of you on the lounge floor content and full as you gather as a family snuggled on the sofa. Yet in comparison we are literally seeing new mothers up and out of the house within hours of birthing. It’s completely against all of our biological instincts- yet we still don’t listen to our bodies. Every time I see a new mother or father I wish I could say rest and listen to your instincts. If only we trusted our own intuition and had the ability to speak about how we really feel. It is Ironic that our solar plexus (nerves in our abdomen) is yellow and that particular color on a chakra chart is linked to our gut instincts. With it been wear yellow day for young minds and mental health awareness I felt compelled to share this little blog. I speak for the mental health of my own young teenage mother mind, she has never gone back to how she was before I was a mother. I am now in my early 30s and at the teenage stage of parenting. This in itself is like a whole new level of maternity leave! If I am honest I can’t decipher weather I am just as mentally challenged now as to when they were infants. I really hope that if you have stumbled across this blog post and you can relate, that you either find some comfort in my words or have been inspired to reach out and talk about how you really feel. Motherhood isn’t all sunflowers and yellow fluffy teddys but if we begin to speak about our truth we may start to see or feel the warmth of the sunshine on the days and nights that feel so dark.
Written by Francesca Shaw 10th October on wear yellow day for mental health 2022
#Hellowyellow
The Wise Womb Woman 
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