Maternal Sleep

We wait all day-

for what others call sleep

what we get is fractured- eye lid closure.

It makes you ,

vulnerable, weak, tearful,

emotional exposure.

 

When I used to breastfeed,

I’d despise his father,

laying their asleep,

he never noticed my eyes wanted to bleed,

I imagined knocking him out like I was

Apollo Creed.

 

He’d wake upon sunrise,

I had tears in my eyes,

“How did you sleep?”

 

“Say what?” I’d mumble,

“SLEEP what the FUCKS that!”

“Oh having this baby turned you into a 

psychotic creep,

hear we go, now you weep”

 

Tears drops,

no control,

they tumble

like little clots.

 

Know one warns you about the deprivation of sleep,

libido drop,

counting feeds by the clock,

jelly belly,

living life by the bastard telly.

 

Know one explains,

how much you’ll cry at the after pains.

All the anxiety over your pregnancy gains.

 

Baby Showers,

gifts,

post natal flowers,

there all really sweet,

please hear me,

I just need to rest my my feet.

 

Even when you’ve cracked the teething,

hear comes the health visitor,

yapping about weaning.

 

Next it’s crawling,

bumps and bruises.

I can’t even remember the last time I SHOWERED!

Yet he still SLEEPS,

I now mumble,

you COWARD.

 

Potty training arrives,

I feel like all my friends have lives,

post natal depression,

I can’t even look at knives.

 

Who’d of thought lack of sleep,

Could cause all this thought?

They never tell you anything of this sort,

I wish I’d being more ready,

It might of made this transition less heavy,

or me-more steady?

 

I love my baby so much,

the most precious thing I will ever touch,

But please hear me,

I really would like some sleep,

as all this, feels… way too much.

 

Written by Francesca Shaw after been kicked in the kidney all night by my 4 year old son Tobias. 09/08/2017