Again sitting here trying to write through blurry eyes and wet eyelashes I try to find an ounce of strength to not check myself into the mental health unit- that’s how much he’s mentally tortured me today.
Having no stable or real mother in my life growing up has made me emotionally fragile every mothers day. I have always felt like a vase that never got a flower to look after. Pining for that motherly figure and needing her in so many situations- like when I became a mother myself.
I know I’ve not been a perfect wife and often said very hurtful things but I have raised his children everyday with as much love and compassion as I could. I’ve tried to educate my self at university, cook good food from scratch, parent them all to my best ability and dedicated my 20s to being a mother he could be proud of for his children. I have nearly lost my life birthing one of his son’s into this world and he destroyed our last baby moon by committig adultery.
If this wasn’t enough to heal from he has continued on a rampage of self destruction to hurt me and the children. It’s the 11th March 2018 the world is celebrating Mothers Day and I haven’t even got a card or a flower for my empty vase. He says “you don’t act like a fucking mother” in front of the children when he stormed in and collected them an hour ago.
He hurls hurtful words at me causing a cascade of emotions to erupt in all four of their tiny minds. Leaving me struggling, weak, broken and fighting angry tears as they need me to remain strong.
I thought yesterday he’d done enough damage, clearly throwing my wedding ring at me and shouting “Happy Fucking Birthday” in front of small children isn’t bad enough in his distorted eyes.
Yes, that’s right my 29th Birthday and Mothers Day all in one weekend! So of course he had to make a big audition for the ‘Greatest Showman’. Informing authorities of this emotional and mental domestic abuse only makes things worse. I am a ‘Drama Queen’ and an ‘Attention seeker’.
This man is my legal husband and I feel trapped by marriage, until a divorce is finalised I feel unable to break out of these handcuffs that he has put on me mentally.
Everytime he turns up he can tap into my subconsience like a bad dream and makes my mental health deteriorate. Calls me ” crazy, warped, knowone likes you, No wonder everyone leaves you”. He’s playing on my deepest insecurities and playing the tune to my most vulnerable life songs of abandonment and rejection from years trapped in the care system.
This need to control me and isolate me-which he’s done slowly over time is often reffered to as ‘Gas Lighting’. I’ve even lost friends along the way because I’ve being to scared to walk away from his games. Another term for these kind of games is called Narcissism. It’s a skill and a very clever personality trait but I will blog about Narcassistic men on a different day. Today is Father’s Day!
Today the country is celebrating but it’s a day that I feel saddened that my family has fallen apart. Along side sadness a mist of anger lurks reminding me of how he treated me on Mothers Day back in March.
After some reflecting and meditation I realised that people’s actions are a direct reflection of themselves.
So despite his choice to not pay for his children properly or see his step children of 10 years once in 5 months. Despite hardly any decent contact with his biological sons and cruel words, whilst in the Supermarket this week I let the children choose a card and two gifts for Father’s Day. He may wish to hurt me but I will not return his bitterness with more bitterness. This world has enough hate, violence, war and anger without inflicting it on those you once loved.
He “dosnt want gifts from me, I make his skin crawl” but what I remind him is that these gifts are not from me, they are from his children
Today is bitter sweet.
The only people he hurts the most is the children and we as adults and parents must be the best role models we can. Most importantly we must remember this in the midst of relationship breakdowns. I cannot change him but I am me, I will remain kind, I will remain truthful, I will remain free.
Partly Written on Mothers Day the 11th March 2018 and completed on father’s day 17th June 2018 by Francesca Shaw 
Inspired by a marriage breakdown and the pain of emotional and narsassistic abuse.
The Wise Womb Woman 
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