Countless years from the age of 11-29 I spent in and out of therapy. Councillors, learning mentors, CBT Therapists, Relate and various other organisations for couples.
Not all of it was about my toxic marriage, some for my childhood and abusive family relationships. Looking back in hindsight, what I’ve come to realise is that after many years, those abusive family behaviours I was no longer willing to tolerate from relatives- I was tolerating from him.
I was still allowing the verbal words to seep into my blood and he thrived of that. For as long as I was on anti-depressants, paranoid or anxious he was the sane one and he could label me psycho. Yet repetitively I would be willing to “try” at our marriage and not give in, too divorce, for vows meant the world to me. Ironically I was living what felt like a life sentence. Being the optimistic women I am, I thought we were going to pull through and unlock the cell we were calling home. After every storm passed we’d take 4 steps forward and 10 steps backwards and have another 18 months of entrapment.
Waiting list, after waiting list of therapy, wanting guidance into why we were like we were when he said he loved me. When he said sorry so frequently. Every card be it anniversary, birthday or Christmas said ” To Angel Eye’s I am sorry for everything I don’t deserve you”, and that only I, new him best. Only I new the truth and he’d self destruct without me. Worried, he wouldn’t get the help without me, and that without therapy, he couldn’t be the father I had seen he could be, in intermittent snippets- I remained a believer in hope.
This turbulence of continuous sessions discussing adultery, drug addiction, financial lies and cohesive control lead our intimacy into toxic sacred energy exchange. People forget that just because the SEX is good it doesn’t mean the relationship is normal.
There is more to a relationship than sex- just because you might connect well in bed doesn’t mean its healthy. I remember worrying and thinking OMG how do you ever leave a partner you are so used to understanding in the bedroom? How do you contemplate ever having sex with any other man when they say “At least she has a decent set of tits compared to you” or “Anyone will fuck you, your beautiful but know-one will stick around even your own family don’t want you”.
Well I did walk away and I this is what I want to share. I tell you now from experience Toxic sex and relationships take years to heal form and blocks your chakras and perception of real love.
Intimacy can be grown in so many other areas mentally, emotionally, common interests and fun. Make memories first then let the SEX (sacred energy exchange) flow. Women carry so much from the men we let enter our beds even DNA from an article I read recently!
I get that we all need a moment of fun sometimes or a release! We’ve all done it, but there are other ways to do this- I assure you. So choose wisely who you give yourself to and honour your womb ladies. Blokes heal yourselves first- respect your manhood before you become intimate with a partner. Off loading your energies into a women results in them carrying all that negative emotion, blockages and abusive behavioural patterns in their womb! Why, because that is where women carry their emotion in their wombs.
Having being a women that allowed a man to take full advantage of me in that area lead to months of needing Mizan (Womb healing). If you’ve not heard of this before do some research it’s fascinating stuff. Reflecting back I am now able to see why I allowed it to go on for so long. We often perceive sex as love and it is not! Love is not sex when there is no respect within the relationship. Where honesty is non existent and insecurity is questionable. Kisses feel forced and denial to yourself is becoming your norm.
Upon continuing therapy after leaving the relationship I found I was still worried about that person that had abused me for years. Still carrying guilt for them not being ‘fixed’. Feeling anxious that I was not able to heal them from their self destructive behaviours that they always asked me to help them with. Then one day in a session of counselling in October 2018 I was told “He has to want to heal himself, you can’t do it for him”. That simple 13 word sentence penetrated my heart like a spear, it hurt to the point I felt sick. I felt sick because it was like I had to purge the truth. I was sat there feeling sorry, worried and emotional for someone that hadn’t got the courage like me,to say “I am not ok”.
Perhaps if I stopped worrying about them as they had stopped loving me along time ago then perhaps I wouldn’t need to sit in this appointment every week. It was at that moment, I did just that. It was at that moment I started to focus on me and what I needed not what they needed. I began to write more, do activities that I loved and had forgotten about. I began to invest in courses and classes that I had missed for spending years being stuck in whilst he was out socialising.
It was then I really begun to heal. Years of therapy didn’t heal me, I healed myself in listening to what makes my soul sing, for had I listened to my gut instinct (Sola Plexus) years ago, I would of saved myself many years of therapy I didn’t need.
Written by Francesca Shaw 1/09/2019
The Wise Womb Woman 